On Life And Death

I died once.
Almost.
The pills were - all different colors,
Like a rainbow.
I remember some of the names, “Xanax, Ambien, Zoloft”.
Some hers, some mine.
I didn’t want to die.
I just didn’t want to live. Alone.

The pain was in my mind, in my soul,
In my body.
It was tangible, a living beast.
The stomach clenching, twisting, in knots,
The throat raw, rasping from crying
The pain drove me down into a corner
My arms wrapped around my knees.
The agony was unlike any physical
Hurt or pain I had ever known.

Where were the pictures,
Of our life together.
Nothing remained.
Had I ever been there,
Or was that just a dream.
Did I ever exist.
And if not, why bother now.

I remember finding an album.
A wedding album
The pictures unclear,
Through tears and pain.
I remember lying down,
Album on my chest,
Rosary in my hand,
Jesus, please take me. Whispered in pain.
Jesus, please take me. Whispered through tears.
Jesus, please take me. Please take me - whispered alone.
Alone and then nothing.

When I came to,
I was in the ICU,
They were forcing charcoal
Down my throat.
I wasn’t strapped down,
It was unnecessary.
I was too weak to move.
I woke up crying and
It was two days later.
Two days marking life and death
And life again.

My old life
Gone forever.
My death,
Temporary.
My new life
Another story.

Bill – Feb 2007

P.S. My new life – I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.